The Grad Tab came in today, and I'm beating myself up over it. I looked through it and found a million things wrong with it. I could have done this or that or changed this or that. I'm generally beating myself up over it in my head.
Not a lot of people know that I went through a deep, horrifying depression last year around this time. It was scary, because it was the worst I have felt mentally and emotionally in a long time. I caught myself many times looking at the medicine cabinet and telling myself in my head that if all else failed, I had two bottles of pain pills that could make me feel better. All at once. If you get my drift.
Somehow, I was able to pull myself out of it. Without any help from anyone or any medicine. In fact, only one person knew how bad it really was. The worst part of all this was while I was feeling really down, I also felt embarrassed and ashamed that I was feeling down.
Last year, it was loneliness creeping in and it settled for about six months. It's rearing it's ugly head again. And I think it's brought on by the fact that I have maybe 3 best friends, and that all my other friends and acquaintances are getting married and having babies.
God forbid, I don't want kids right now. Couldn't even fathom it. But when people are getting engaged and married and friends are generally having a great time, I get sad. While I know I should be happy for people being happy, I'm not.
It's rough right now in my emotional life. Professional life is great, and it's probably the one thing that's been keeping me somewhat reasonably smiling. It's the part of my life where I walk in to an empty apartment and the phone never rings. Or the part where I see no one other than work. And hell, when I do go out, I can't have a good time, because I can't get my brain to stop working.
I'm always the funny best friend or the cool one of the guys or the awesome little/big sister that no one ever had. It's rough not going out on a date, being wined and dined and other hoopla that it seems like everyone is doing. I think two years of this is quite enough.
It's just that at night, I don't like the only thing I hear are the crickets chirping. I'm Little Miss Ray of Sunshine with a storm cloud forming over my head.
Folks, here it goes again. I'm about sick of this shit.
Not a lot of people know that I went through a deep, horrifying depression last year around this time. It was scary, because it was the worst I have felt mentally and emotionally in a long time. I caught myself many times looking at the medicine cabinet and telling myself in my head that if all else failed, I had two bottles of pain pills that could make me feel better. All at once. If you get my drift.
Somehow, I was able to pull myself out of it. Without any help from anyone or any medicine. In fact, only one person knew how bad it really was. The worst part of all this was while I was feeling really down, I also felt embarrassed and ashamed that I was feeling down.
Last year, it was loneliness creeping in and it settled for about six months. It's rearing it's ugly head again. And I think it's brought on by the fact that I have maybe 3 best friends, and that all my other friends and acquaintances are getting married and having babies.
God forbid, I don't want kids right now. Couldn't even fathom it. But when people are getting engaged and married and friends are generally having a great time, I get sad. While I know I should be happy for people being happy, I'm not.
It's rough right now in my emotional life. Professional life is great, and it's probably the one thing that's been keeping me somewhat reasonably smiling. It's the part of my life where I walk in to an empty apartment and the phone never rings. Or the part where I see no one other than work. And hell, when I do go out, I can't have a good time, because I can't get my brain to stop working.
I'm always the funny best friend or the cool one of the guys or the awesome little/big sister that no one ever had. It's rough not going out on a date, being wined and dined and other hoopla that it seems like everyone is doing. I think two years of this is quite enough.
It's just that at night, I don't like the only thing I hear are the crickets chirping. I'm Little Miss Ray of Sunshine with a storm cloud forming over my head.
Folks, here it goes again. I'm about sick of this shit.
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