Why do I do this to myself?

It's 12:56 a.m., and I'm sitting in the office for the second night in a row, pulling an all-nighter for the second night in a row. I am apparently glutton for punishment, because this would have all be avoided if I had just done everything in a reasonable amount of time and not procrastinated like I always do. Always.


My birthday has come and gone, and was pretty uneventful. Got a few practical gifts that were needed, but not really as glamorous as one would want on their birthday. One of my friends congratulated me on becoming one of the "old people" know at the ripe old age of 22. Birthdays have never been big for me, because I usually end up being disappointed or not having a good time.

I don't know what has made me want to update again, except that I'm procrastinating (once again) on studying for my Public Speaking final. I really want to make a good grade in there, but I don't know if it's possible. I've tried my best, but for some reason, my best wasn't good enough. I'm finding out more often here lately that I'm not as good as I once thought I was. I can't breeze through courses and work like I used to do. It's not that I abhor putting monumental amounts of effort into my work. However, it's frustrating as hell when I put in everything I got and can't even pull a mediocre B out of the class.

I just haven't felt all that wonderful lately. It's not physically, even though, the mental and emotional stress has certainly played a key role in the downward spiral of my immune system. I'm restless. I need a break or a vacation. It's like I've been running 90 miles an hour for the past 3 years, and I'm finally starting to run out of gas. I don't think it's senioritis, because I genuinely enjoy all my classes. It's not that I don't want to go to class. It's that I can't pull my ass out of bed to make forth the effort to get the class. The walk across the street to class everyday is suddenly getting longer and longer.

I have no energy at all. Physically and mentally I have no energy. It's not senioritis. I'm just extremely tired.

(Why is it that the last couple of updates I have posted have been leaning toward a pessimistic view? I swear that I'm not normally pessimistic. The foggy weather tonight almost requires it. That and hot chocolate, but pessimism and hot chocolate is an oxymoron, because you can't be sad when you have a cup full of chocolate and marshmallows.)

Why must we feel that we have to put a title on things? I tried thinking of a title for this entry, and I couldn't think of anything, because I had no idea how to sum up my thoughts into a neat, compact, little sentence that will encompass everything.

I signed up for the classes I will take my final semester. It's weird looking at CAPP and seeing "Hours Remaining: 0." It's weird not to see something highlighted in red or to deal with trying to figure out a schedule that will leave you the least amount of stress as you close the curtain on your college career.

I will be honest and say that after college, I have no direction. I don't know if I want to start Graduate School, go straight to working, or whatever random idea I think of between now and May 12th. I wish there was a way I could go back and start college all over from my freshmen year. It's like one of those moments where you say the dreaded cliche: "If I knew then what I know now." I would have done things different, and that disappoints me. I'm graduating and leaving a huge part of my life with regrets. I wish I had done this or that. Why didn't I do it in the first place? Fear? Laziness?

I hate being lazy and I hate being afraid. How about someone else decides my life for me, because apparently, I sure as hell can't do it.

Killing time..

I'm doing one of things that I never thought I would do. Blogging at work. -gasp!- It's been an interesting day. I've accomplished many things off my ever-expanding "To Do" list.

The computer center installed Adobe CS2 on our computers today along with our RAM. However, when he installed everything he completely wiped out a paper that I was working on, and it wasn't saved, so know I have to start from scratch. Wonderful.

I have an academic speaker to go to tonight with WY. Again, I don't want to go, but I need to go if I want to keep my scholarship. Also, I have to write my big Honor Seminar paper before the semester is up, but hooray, it's my last one, ever. (Note to self, ctrl+u does not underline.) I figured it would be pretty interesting, because it's something about history, and hey! what do you know? I'm a history minor.

(Another note to self: Tell WY that my desk, his desk and HR's desk have all become his desk, because his shit is everywhere.)

Just for those of you who want to share my pain with me for a moment, the notorious:

"TO DO LIST":

Write History 414 paper on the Black Plague
Watch one more movie review for History 122
Write 2 movie review for History 122
Write book review for History 122 over Josephine Bonaparte
Read Scorecard and write article for Rachel
Follow-up on G4 channel (if there's any story)
Attend academic speaker (which I'm doing tonight)
Write 8-10 page honors paper on some random topic
Make demonstration speech on how to make fudge
Get pledge folder together
Write pledge journal (due in an hour)
Put together caterpillar for meeting
Email professors about magazine payroll
Do extra credit for Film Appreciation
Buy 2 blank maps at Bookstore and study for Map quiz for History 122.
Make sure CS2 transfered all presets, if not, call The Jackson Sun pronto
Somehow help throw together a website by tomorrow

Note to readers: This all has to be done in the next week.....

See why I'm sprinting toward a burn-out? Now, bring my chocolate and coffee and make me feel better. Please...don't make me beg. I'm not cute when I beg.

I've made the switch...

I've used LiveJournal for the longest time. Every since I was a sophomore in high school. I post on MySpace time to time to keep people who read my MySpace updated on my life. I had a Blogger account for a long time, but since JM suggested the move so much, I decided to reactivate the Blogger account.

I wish there was a way that I could make my own layout with my own design, but that would require me to learn something, and the only two people that I could possibly learn it from are Will and Matt, but they have enough crap on their plate without having to deal with me.

The Pacer has been stressful lately. Class has been stressful lately. Hell, life in general has been stressful lately. Someone tried to kick in the door to my apartment, so I got a new door. New door doesn't fit and I was locked inside my apartment. It seems like it's been one thing after another this semester, and everything has been beyond my control.

Went to a Halloween party last night, because one of my friends was throwing it. After leaving the party, I realized that I feel lonely and I feel old. Everyone there has yet to turn 21, and I'm turning 22 in a month. Partying has lost its appeal, because I'm no longer 17 and it's no longer illegal. But what really put in a mood was that there was random couples doing random things in random bedrooms and I left sitting in the chair watching a scary movie that wasn't scary. During the night, if their significant other wasn't there, they called them to wish them a Happy Halloween. I don't have a significant other to call, so I called the next best thing, my two co-workers. I felt really shitty waking one up, but damn I was in a funk and needed someone to talk to.

I have a formal to go to in a month, and I haven't made up my mind whether I'm going or not. It would be the same deal except in black tie and high heels, and if I'm going to feel like shit, I like to feel like shit in comfortable clothes. I've asked one of my co-workers to go with me, because we'll have the best time, but this co-worker is not interested in me for one VERY important reason which will remain unstated.

Another reason why I've felt lonelier than usual is because all my co-workers have significant others. Some are serious and some are not, but nevertheless, they all have someone they could call if they wanted to while I'm literally alone in my corner. This post was not meant to be a pity party, but it's turned out that way.

I'm just unhappy with my life in general. It's become empty even though the schedule is quite full. Work, class, sorority, and other things, but it's still empty. Most people in the office look forward to 8:00 p.m., but I look forward to 8:30 p.m. for various reasons. I need motivation, but don't know where to find it or how to get it. I don't think it's senioritis, but just lifeoritis.